Tomorrow

Remember how I said that I had a life changing event in April?  Well I'm going to just say what it was because most of my friends and family know anyway.  I was engaged.  Wedding planned.  Dress purchased.  Vendors hired.  Save the dates about to go out.  And in April that all ended.  Broken engagement.  Wedding off.  Dress hanging in the closet.  Vendors cancelled. Save the dates put in a box never to be sent.  And maybe I am dumb, but I didn't see it coming at all.  I thought all was well with the world and that we were ready to get married.  Apparently I was.  He wasn't.

And so one day I was engaged and preparing for a certain life.  And the next day I wasn't and I didn't really know what life to prepare for then.  And so over the last 8 months I have learned my new life.  I have been really brave, really strong, and really patient.  But I want this blog to be honest.  And tomorrow is the day that I was supposed to get married on.  12-1-12.

I am trying not to dwell.  I am trying to stay busy thinking about other things.  But I can't help but wonder, what if?  What if were still together?  What if tomorrow my last name was changing?  What if I had never met him and where would be life be now?  Uh.

My friends and family have been beyond amazing during this whole time.  Whether it is a note, a glass of wine, a phone call, or just simply a hug, they are trying to make me feel better.

People say that I will find someone else.  I hope so.  I pray so.  But I wonder, is it possible?  I live in the smallest town on earth.  The "new" people I meet are my 7 year old students.  If there is a plan for me to get married one day, it is going to have to be God's plan because my plans just haven't worked out.  I hope he has a plan for me.  So I hate to be depressing, but sometimes it is really hard to be strong.

Have you ever just been tired of being strong?